Life.

Since I have recently graduated college and life has begun to slow down I have had a little time to read. I decided I wanted to read Rob Bell’s books Love Wins and Jesus Wants to Save Christians. Overall I felt that Love Wins and the publicity behind it created a lot of unnecessary hype. Honestly, I feel that Rob has been saying what was written in the book for a long time. I enjoyed it and it made me think. Personally I really liked Jesus Wants to Save Christians. I know Bell likes to point out where Christians, including himself, are missing the point and it got me thinking about my own judgments. After reading I kinda wrote my own thoughts down on a piece of paper because that helps me figure out what I think and it went something like this:

The poor and the oppressed.

The weak and afflicted.

The people that we choose not to see,

They are Your people.

Your chosen generation.

Even so,

The Hypocrite

The Prostitute

The Racist

The Self-Righteous

The Womanizer

You came to Restore and Redeem

What is harder to forgive?

me.

That’s who You came to redeem.

I don’t know. I want my heart to break for those who have nothing. Nothing meaning no food to eat, no place to sleep. I want to make a legitimate impact you know. Yet I am also learning that I am extremely judgmental towards those that do have, or have more than me. It’s so easy for me to point a finger, when really I am at fault the same amount if not more. Jesus came to seek and save that which was lost. That includes me, if it were not for him I would be done. So who am I to point the finger?

Graduating?

Well it has been a little while since my last blog. I am kinda stressin’ about life and feel the need to blog. I promise this won’t be a complaining/venting blog though.

Currently I will be graduating from college in sixteen days. I have one paper that is hanging over my head and kinda determines me graduating but other than that the semester has been a good one.  It is so weird to think that the day is so close. College has been interesting for me. I couldn’t really make up my mind on where I wanted to be and because of that it took me five years instead of four. I started out in a program called Everfree Master’s Commission for two years and then went to Valley Forge Christian College for one year. I chose to take the “christian education” path because it was and is something I highly valued. But then I decided I wanted a break from the path I was on and went to Long Island University C.W. Post. My first taste of the real world honestly since high school. I know people say that the school you attend isn’t really what makes you sheltered but rather your upbringing. I think it’s a little of both.

So I went to Post. I wanted to get an education that was truly respected by people already in the career path I was pursuing, and I wanted to really feel like I was about to be twenty-one years old. And I did. I experienced life, for myself. And I realized I’d trade it all in, everything I ever wanted, everything this world could offer me, for one day with Jesus. For one minute with Jesus. Nothing compared to his love for me. Nothing. I didn’t want to deny what God had for me because I was afraid of surrendering to him. I learned that surrendering to him was the only thing I could do.

So that’s what I did. And I kinda had to pick up the pieces you know. I had to look at them and say how did this get here? Why do I want it here? How come I can’t let go of it? And then slowly I had to give the pieces to God. And I’m still working on it. Everyday. At least right now I am more aware and instead of kinda faking myself out if that makes sense, I am more willing to just lay down my pride each day. Because I realize that I am human and am very prone to making mistakes. I need a savior. I don’t choose a savior because it looks good on my resume. No, I really, really, really need Jesus.

So right now I am kinda just finishing up and looking forward to the future. I am waiting to hear about what I will be doing next and I am nervous, anxious, and very excited. But I am learning, even though sometimes I don’t want to is that what matters most is not my attempted plans but instead simply loving Jesus day in and day out,  trusting that he is in control and has way better thoughts, ideas, and plans than I could ever think up not for me, but for all of us.

New.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am the Lord, who opened a way through the waters,
making a dry path through the sea.
I called forth the mighty army of Egypt
with all its chariots and horses.
I drew them beneath the waves, and they drowned,
their lives snuffed out like a smoldering candlewick.

“But forget all that—
it is nothing compared to what I am going to do.
For I am about to do something new.
See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
I will create rivers in the dry wasteland

- Isaiah 43:16-19

I went for a run on Sunday. It was the first time in like a month that I decided to go for a long run. It was nice. Once  I got to the dock , the sun had just set, and it looked beautiful. I decided to stop and look. It just reminded me that God never gets old. I’ve grown up with the water a mile from my house, I’ve seen this a million times. But it never gets old, and each time it’s different. I’ve grown up going to church, and I can say that I’ve made my own commitment to christ nine years ago. But God is always doing something new. It’s just up to me to stop and listen.

“You are clean”

Healing. When I first think about this term I think of whether or not it can actually occur. I have actually seen people become physically healed in a church or when I was in another country so I know that it can actually happen physically. But today I was in my car driving home from school and I started to think about emotional healing, or maybe a better term is God’s ability to heal your spirit. I know that when a person truly decides to make Jesus lord of  his or her life, sins are forgiven. We are made new. I really like that, I think it’s pretty awesome and hard to grasp, but that’s just a side note. But then there is that “sanctification” process you know that continual working towards “holiness”… or in other words God continually works in us and teaches us so that we can be more like him (not a legit definition just my words). I think that although I know God is supposed to be the one who works in me to constantly mold me into who God asks me to be, I often would rather try to do this on my own. Yes, I know that I do need to put effort in, I need to read his word, pray, put the time in but I think that I have started to believe that me doing my part is the only thing that has an effect on my changed heart. When that is simply not the case.  In my car today I kinda lowered my music and started to pray, it’s an hour drive so sometimes this is what I’ll do. When I was praying I asked God to heal me. To heal my heart. Because I simply cannot do that. Only he can. And I’m not gonna downplay this, it was a pretty awesome moment. The realization that I can’t do anything to earn God’s grace and mercy, he simply wants to heal me because he loves me. This realization is what causes me to want to live for him, not anything I can do. This realization is what continually allows me to grow, and move forward in Christ.

Sometimes I think because I am so influenced by society I think that Christianity can be likened to a self- help book. If I do this, this, and that.. then I can be healed, then I can stop struggling with this sin. If that was the case, then why did Jesus die for me?  I think that it actually starts with Jesus, his ability to heal, and our willingness to ask.  I think it is about our willingness to ask him to guide us, speak to us, and transform us every day.

“You say that’s exactly how this grace thing works. It’s not the long walk home that will change this heart, But the welcome I receive at the restart” – Mumford and Sons (just a song lyric that came to mind)

“So this is the new year…”

“Here is my song, here is my heart, all for you Jesus. Holy, Holy, only You are worthy” – Kim Walker

New Years, well it’s mid January now but still a pretty new year. Every year I make some resolutions or set some goals for that year. I write them down and then look back at the end of the year to see if I accomplished the goals. I usually accomplish a few and then there are a few that need to be recycled. I also write down different events that happened throughout the year and different lessons that I learned.I stole this idea from a friend a few years ago but it has become a nice tradition. Its always interesting to look back and see how life changes over the years, and how no matter what God always has his hand over our lives. He is constantly gently teaching me and asking me to give everything to him.

So that’s my “resolution” this year. That I would seek to listen to His Holy Spirit each day. To go to His living Word each day. I want to give him everything so that he can mold me and shape me. Improve my character and humble me. Also that I would continually be grateful for all He has done for me. Sometimes I can become so self centered and forgot that the God who created the heavens and the earth sent his only son to die for me.

I want to serve Him with my whole heart, soul, and mind. Anything less just isn’t enough.

” If you approach the world with the apron of a servant, then you can go places that you can’t go if you approach it with the crown of a king” – Jon Foreman

Christmas thoughts.

Yesterday was Christmas and today it’s snowing outside. Currently, I am laying down looking out the window watching the snow fall, listening to Greg Laswell from my expensive speakers that are hooked up to my Mac and typing this from my Ipad. I’m not gonna lie it’s a nice experience. But it also kinda makes me think. For christmas this year I couldn’t really think of what I wanted because I have everything. Don’t get me wrong I didn’t give the gifts I got back or anything but it just was an interesting thought. I wouldn’t say I live in an extremely wealthy area because I don’t. But my family and I, we do ok. More then ok if you compare us to a good portion of the world. I can’t help but think about students at the school I intern at who come in adult clothing because they are homeless and it’s all they have. I keep picturing this one boy who is homeless and the cutest thing ever in a men’s thermal and sweatpants. Meanwhile I can go to the store any time I want and buy some clothes. Sometimes I wonder if giving here and there and going to serve in another country for a couple weeks is really Christianity. This is my own conviction I am not trying to preach. Just something i’ve been thinking.

…

So i have one more paper to write and one final left before this semester ends. i feel like procrastinating and i understand this is not my smartest choice. I’ve been thinking lately and this is probably the worst time for me to think because i have so much stuff to get done but so it is.

Lately I’ve been feeling a sense of  discontent. I am very thankful for the life that I have been able to live. I have been able to see so many awesome things, and have had an awesome journey in just 22 yrs. I have met some amazing people and have also been blessed with an amazing family and the best friends a person could ask for. So I by no means want to sound like I am pitying myself, I am so thankful for the life that I have had so far.

This year I decided to stay home and finish up my undergrad by commuting. I loved living on campus but it cost me a lot of money , and I was getting pretty involved in my church back home so I decided home would be a better environment for me to be in. And it has been, I do love being home.  But it’s not where I want to stay. And I think that is normal.

Also, it is my last year of college. I have been in school for five years, and it is not really that exciting any more. I intend to finish strong, and do the best I can but I also really want to finish.

I know that it is so important to be thankful for what is happening in my life, right here and right now. And I am , I really am. I am trying my best to serve God fully and know that where I am right now, is where God has me for a reason. And I have seen God do some amazing things, right here and right now. But I also can’t wait for the future. I think this may be because I am graduating soon, and I don’t really know what tomorrow brings.

I recognize that I am young and I have a lot to learn. This is just how I sometimes feel. Thanks for reading. Hopefully it wasn’t too whiny.

In the hopes of reaching the moon men fail to see the flowers that blossom at their feet.” – Albert Schweitzer

Carried to the table, seated where I don’t belong.

The other day I came home from practice for the sunday school students at my church. The kids did the worship service on sunday. It was awesome to see fifty kids get up there and sing their hearts out for Jesus. It was also awesome to think how much the church I go to has grown. In the past five years we have needed to have two services and each ministry has grown. There were times where we wondered what God was doing but he always had a bigger plan than we could ever realize. This got me thinking about how much God has cared for me, about how much he has allowed me to see. I felt a little overwhelmed, and thankful. So I sat down and wrote. It was pretty simple, I just wanted to be truthful.

God, you have been with me through it all.

When I didn’t want to pay attention,

Your Holy Spirit was whispering to me to listen to your truth.

When I felt that I couldn’t be forgiven

You were there to wrap your arms around me and call me  your child.

Even when I felt unworthy to sit with you, your presence never left me

When I was a child, you were calling out my name.

I knew that in you, I could find peace.

You delighted in my presence.

Thank you,

As I grew, you opened up your truth to me.

I started to understand that your word is alive and speaking to me.

I wanted to soak it all up.

I just couldn’t understand how the God of the heavens and the earth was speaking to me.

I couldn’t understand that you had a specific plan for my life.

But you do.

Even when I tried to take matters into my own hands,

You were there to tell me it’s ok to let it go.

When I expected you to scream at me,

You instead told me you were my father and as a father corrects his children out of love, so will you.

There was nothing to run from.

Your love overcame all my sin.

Because of your love, the veil was torn.

Because of your love, I am free.

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

Everyday I fail, but you say I am created in your image.

Everyday I am tempted, but yet you tell me I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

You ask me to come to you, because you have made me a new creation.

My past is nothing in light of the future you have for me.

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

Your love never lets go of me.

- Ashleigh

It’s amazing to think that God loves us each so much that he wants to be in our daily lives. My friend had a shirt that said “God is in the details” and I really think he is. He has to be. I am so thankful that he loves me so much, that I can’t even really comprehend it.

Thanks for reading.

Random Thought

I was just watching the movie  Titanic with my family. At the end of the movie Rose explains that there were 200 boats out in the ocean but only one came back for the 1500 people in the water without a boat. After my family and I watched this part my Dad said “200 boats and only one came back. That’s horrible, I would rather die then leave people in the water. You need to try ya know”. It got me thinking… that is so true. It got me thinking about all the people I know that don’t know Jesus. I haven’t been exactly purposeful about being an example or even using opportunities to invite people to church or just talk about what god has done for me. Sure I’m doing alright. But I don’t think I’m just supposed to do alright. People are drowning ya kno, not to get all corny with this analogy but it’s true. I know in my life Jesus Christ has proven to be the only answer, life without him just doesn’t work. How could I not share that with others ?

Haiti.

Life is funny sometimes. Two years ago I went to Haiti on a missions trip and I was honestly truly blessed to be able to take that trip. Although, I never really thought that I would go back. Then, last year I went to the dominican republic on a missions trip and we visited a Haitian village in the DR, and at that moment I knew one day I would go back to Haiti. I can’t really explain it, but I just remember my heart breaking for the children that I met that day. I ended up talking with the missionary in the Dominican and found out that originally he was a missionary in Haiti. I remember discussing Haiti with him and in my heart knowing that God was doing something in my heart for Haiti.  I kind of kept the thought in the back of my mind throughout the year. Then the earthquakes happened in Haiti. I remember watching the television and balling my eyes out. I couldn’t really explain it, maybe because I had been there before and I actually had seen the places the news reporters were talking about , it just felt real to me.  I remember thinking how can I get there… but then thinking I need to finish school. But then, my church announced that they were sending a missions team over to Haiti. I wanted to go right away, but I heard that they wanted mostly men to go because it would be a building trip. But, for some reason I couldn’t get the idea out of my head. So I spoke with the leader that would be heading up the trip, and he told me he would love for me to come. So I asked one of my other girl friends to come because I knew she was interested, and there we were, two girls and nine guys on our way to Haiti.  I remember driving through the capital and thinking to myself its the same, extreme poverty everywhere. For some reason I thought that it would be a little better because of the supposed relief coming in, but then realized it’s just not that easy for Haiti. Nothing is that easy for Haiti.  The moment that it really hit me was when we drove past the “palace” or the white house of haiti and saw that it was still caved in and damaged from the earthquake. Almost a year later and it’s still hasn’t been fixed, or even attempted to be fixed.  I know the things I’m supposed to say when I come back from a missions trip, I’m supposed to say I was changed and I am glad that we could help in the ways that we did, building a roof for a clinic, seeing 150 patients a day, handing out clothes, visiting an orphanage for the disabled. And that is true, I was changed, and I am glad that we could help. But that’s not enough. I am typing this because I can’t get the faces out of my mind. Today in church I went up to the altar and just cried for Haiti. Because yes, the love that I felt from some of the people was so strong and the resilience that the Haitian people have is inspiring but that doesn’t change the fact that everything is stacked up against that country. I love that country, and right now I can’t really make it through the day without tearing up a little because I know that there is more to be done there.  I don’t really know what that means, I just know that its what’s going on for me right now. I don’t mean to be a discouragement or bring u down, I just think that it’s something I need to say right now. Thanks for reading.